Taking a Detour: One good way to neutralize a kid’s food resistance
Conklin's examples are generally business interactions, but his principles apply equally well to dealing with children.
“Yuck! I don’t want any of that!” your little one says when she gets to the table and sees the healthy dish you’ve lovingly prepared. You feel pretty strongly about her eating it. So what comes next?
Which is closest to your reaction?
a) “You have to eat one bite.”
b) “If you eat it all, you can have some dessert.”
c) “If you don’t eat it, you can’t have any dessert.”
d) “It’s good for you. You won’t grow up big and strong if you don’t eat it.”
e) “What do you want? I’ll make it for you.”
f) “You don’t have to eat it, but you do have to be nice about what I’ve cooked.”
g) You do nothing, because you know that if she doesn’t want it, she’s not going to eat it.
Without debating the merits of these typical reactions, are there any other options possible?
You could try doing what I did the one time I remember my kids saying such a thing at the table. I told them it was a good thing they didn’t want any, because I hadn’t really made enough for them. For how they talked me into giving them some after all, see “the Good Eater”
Robert Conklin: he has some good advice, believe it or not.
How to Get People to Do Things: I was drawn to this straightforward book title that seemed to offer the answer to all my problems at a used book sale a few years ago, and I bought it. Who doesn’t want to know how to do all those things more effectively? Conklin’s examples are generally business interactions, but his principles apply equally well to dealing with children. This excellent book, while less famous than Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, presents similar ideas and is perhaps even better.
Conklin tells about a conversation he had with his wife in the chapter “How to Neutralize Resistance in Others.” He wanted her to go somewhere with him that Friday night. When she balks, instead of arguing and trying to talk her into it, he takes her on a detour. When they get back to the question, she’s ready to do things his way. I wouldn’t call it trickery or manipulation, but being cool and gentle. Effective without force.
For example, when your child says he doesn’t want something, Conklin would not necessarily suggest completely ignoring it. We might acknowledge the resistance by saying something like, “Oh, OK,” or “I see.”
Then, instead of getting excited and challenging the child’s resistance, change the subject. Conklin calls it “casual thought replacement.”
Bring up a subject your child is more interested in than not eating your Brussels sprouts, such as:
· “Did those boys get in trouble for fighting on the playground the other day?”
· “I heard some new neighbors are moving in down the street. I think they have boys about your age.”
· “Was Joshua back in school today or is he still sick?”
· “Did you get to play dodge ball at recess after all or not, since it rained?”
· “The dog brought home a ‘surprise’ today.”
It need not take long, though an interesting discussion is a perfect diversion from unpleasantness and conflict at the table.
This technique also hands the parent something to do with themselves besides urging and pressuring the child to eat, which only serves to increase the child’s resistance. It’s better if he’s not forced to defend his point of view. Let it be, allow space for the resistance. If allowed to go unchallenged, he may well let go of it. Above all, be casual. You will be a beautiful example of masterly inactivity.
When the time seems right, come back round to the food. Acting carefully like you don’t care, maybe just serve yourself, or others, and maybe just set it down near him, or pass it to him casually, or hover the serving spoon over his plate and ask him only with your eyes, perhaps while the conversation continues, if he wants some.
Let me know how it works.
Related post:
How to use negative reverse selling at the dinner table
© Sacred Appetite / Anna Migeon / 11 October 2009 / All rights reserved
I love it! I will try it next time my children balk at meals or activities. They are good eaters on the whole. Unfortunately if they complain and say ‘yuck!’ I tend to explode and rant about starving people, or talk about all the effort I have put into making it, which is not the most pleasant way to begin a meal.
This technique is worth a try for all of our sakes.
I’ll be interested to hear how it goes. I LOVE hearing results, good or bad. Would you please report back to me? I’ve actually gone back on that advice and I think I’ve got better advice now if it’s something you have to deal with more than you like (and who likes to deal with complaining or rude rejection of what you’ve made, at ALL?): http://sacredappetite.wordpress.com/2010/04/06/how-to-get-kids-to-eat-at-the-table-part-iii/
In general, I think we should try to be great listeners of kids, but if they have a habit of complaining at the table, I would really make that off limits. It’s rude, it’s obnoxious. The rest of the world won’t like them if they do that. We want to teach our kids how to be good spouses, for example. We want to teach them how to be gracious when someone makes food for them, not fussy and selfish. We also want our table to be a pleasant place for everybody, the most joyful part of the day. My current thinking has developed out of realizing that some parents are putting up with bad behavior in a wimpy hope that kids will eat if they aren’t crossed. We let them misbehave and try to force them to eat. If we work harder at making them eat than making behave, usually neither one goes well. If we require only pleasant and decent behavior at the table without asking any one to eat anything, the eating takes care of itself. The desire to eat should be used to teach kids to behave. No behaving, no eating. Suddenly, both become more appealing.
Another explanation of this theory: http://sacredappetite.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/how-to-get-kids-to-eat-at-the-table-the-push-pull-principle/
I appreciate your comment and thanks for reading my blog!
This is fantastic! I actually did this tonight at supper time. My 4 1/2 year old, who has been raised on only very tasty whole foods (WAPF style) and has always eaten every thing put in front of him, has recently started complaining about everything I make. I know very well that it’s not about the food, it’s about control and the thrill of the fight (not very thrilling to me). And even though I know better, I’m amazed at how easy it is for me to get dragged right into it, and the problem perpetuates.
Tonight I made mashed potatoes and ground-beef mixed in gravy and some baked squash (comfort food!). As I was dishing plates, Jonah informed me that he wanted no meat gravy on his. I responded by asking him to put the cod liver oil on the table. While he was doing that, I dished his plate with gravy on about half of the potatoes. We sat down, he looked at his plate, and complained about the gravy. I suggested we thank God for our food. We did and then he started to eat. After a few minutes, he started to make “yuck” noises. I looked at him and said, “You don’t have to eat it. I don’t care if you want to be hungry. So don’t eat. But you may not be sassy and rude.” He accepted that and ate the squash and potatoes, leaving the part with gravy and started the yucks again. I moved his plate away and ignored him. “Mom! I need that food! I need it or I’ll die!” he said. “Oh. That would be so sad.” I said. He waited a few minutes and when he saw that I was unmoved, he said, “Mommy… may I please have my food?” So I handed him his plate and he ate every bite.
Sometimes I just have to remember that I can be smarter than my kid.
Thanks for the great post!
Rosie Kate, I’m thrilled that something I said was helpful in getting past some of that resistance! That makes it all worthwhile for me. It is easy to get dragged into such games with our kids. I like how he ended up begging for it and saying he would die. That’s hilarious. If you haven’t seen my latest post, I’d love to hear if you have a chance to use it and if it is useful, too.
I never made my kids eat anything. They knew they could eat the meal or wait til the next one.
I want to say I like the advice, but I find myself resisting.
Nice weather we’ve been having lately huh?
Oh, alright, I like the advice.
This weather is freaking sweet thought isn’t it?